Speaking to a crowd who were trying to deal with the realization that big business and big government had conned them, she said, “COVID is not a pandemic. It is a business plan.”
In honor of that clever young woman, I dedicate this business plan to her.
I will call my new business Electric Vehicle Accessories — EVA for short, because we all need a another acronym to memorize. EVA is an attempt to jump on the electric vehicle (E.V.) bandwagon before it veers off into the ditch. EVA will offer valuable accessories to solve a few minor shortfalls in the current electric vehicle product offering.
We (I use the word “we” to suggest I’m not alone in this) cannot do anything about the problem that E.V.s cost much more than comparable cars with internal combustion engines. In fact, we propose to add to the cost with accessories that will save the E.V. concept from the darkness of disinterest.
Any marketing expert will tell you that you don’t sell the steak; you sell the sizzle. My plan covers that. We propose to hire an EVA spokeswoman. Old folks will remember (and young’ins should look it up) Dinah Shore singing, “See the USA in your Chevrolet!” GM couldn’t make ’em fast enough when that lady started to sing! She was easy on the eyes, too. Alas, we lost Dinah in ’94.
The ideal spokesperson for this project is Francesca Marlene de Czanyi von Gerber (AKA Mitzi Gaynor). She could sing, she could dance, and she made the guys’ heads turn. The song “There Is Nothing like a Dame” brushed out all other thoughts. Mitzi is the sizzle. We will call her Eva for this role.
What does Eva sell? Several trim levels of a towable trailer loaded with electric vehicle accessories (EVAs) that will correct most of the drawbacks of the electric vehicle.
E.V.s are short on range and long on charge times. Instead of driving where they want to go, E.V. drivers wander from charge station to charge station and then park in line to await their turn at the electron spigot. “Not anymore,” says Eva. “With our basic model booster trailer, you can make the whole trip without needing charging stations.” How do we propose to do that? Each of our trailers has a small windmill on a hinged frame. When the batteries run down, you stop and simply erect the windmill to begin charging.
No wind? No problem. The trailer is covered with solar panels. The driver merely disconnects the trailer from the E.V. and aims the array of solar panels at the sun. Forget those difficult to find, broken down, cold, and windy charging stations with their long lines: you have wind and solar at your beck and call.
So you ask, “What happens if the wind doesn’t blow and the sun doesn’t shine? After all, night follows day, every day, and the wind doesn’t tend to blow at night. “We got you covered,” Eva will tell prospective buyers. They will turn to look at Eva and forget sun, wind, and even nighttime skies full of stars. Eva will tell them, “We have Honda generators in the trailer.” Everybody is familiar with Honda portable generators. On second thought, make that “semi-portable” — but you can ask a nearby stranger to help you lift one or two out of the trailer and pull the starter cords. In a few minutes (depending on the foot traffic where you stop and the availability of kind strangers), you will be charging, and — in just a few hours — you will be on your way again.
In our deluxe model, instead of several (relatively small ) generators and a bunch of gas cans, we offer a larger generator and a permanent gas tank. This feature has the ability to power the car as it moves along. All that is needed is about 50 to 100 horsepower in the generator, and you will be able to drive right by those occasionally available charging stations.
“But wait,” you say. “Then what is the point of having an E.V.? In addition to polishing my bona fides as a superior human being who cares about saving the world, isn’t the concept lost if you use a fossil fuel–powered generator?”
Eva answers: Have no fear. Most of the E.V.s on the road today are charged by electric generating plants, and most of those plants are powered by fossil fuels. As we speak, they’re tearing down dams and hydroelectric generating systems in order to restore a more natural lifestyle for all the fish. There are no plans to build more nuclear plants. You bought that E.V. to signal your virtue. We are offering you a trailer with a windmill and solar panels. You just stand next to it, and people will see you with an E.V., a windmill, and a trailer full of solar panels! What more can anyone ask? You will be cool if you simply park this rig in the front yard...and take your other car (with an internal combustion engine) on long trips. Your neighbors will still think you are virtuous for having an E.V.
If Eva doesn’t close the deal with those powerful arguments, we have one other product left to offer: our economy model. Serious testing and evaluation by M.D.s and Ph.D.s, all of whom are experts and highly paid by the federal government, have concluded that the time required for longer trips using E.V.s (factoring the charging time) is comparable to the time required to make the same trip by bicycle. Positive side-effects are that pedaling a bike is exercise and will keep you warm. (By now you probably know that using the E.V. heater will seriously reduce the range of the E.V.) We offer a high-end bike rack and a very nice touring 16-speed bike that fits it perfectly. This combination is actually faster than either the E.V. or the bike. The driver simply drives his electric vehicle toward his destination, ignoring the locations of possible charging stations and the state of his batteries (much like how he would with an internal combustion engine–equipped vehicle). When the batteries go dead, he simply coasts to the side of the road, unloads the bike, and continues his journey.
If that doesn’t sell, Eva offers a dazzling smile (or should I say sizzling smile) and starts to sing, “See the USA in your Chevrolet!”...and the mark will forget the topic of discussion and walk out of the showroom, eyes glazed.
Source: American Thinker.
